Monday, July 21, 2014

A Better Country Song

It seems almost cliche to say that modern country music is an incestuous cesspool of derivation, regurgitating the same concepts and themes of successful forebearers. 

Not to be condescending, but Toby Keith is literally preying
upon people by exploiting puerile iconography. Image source
The men all seem to have been weened on Jimmy Buffet and are fighting to become his heir, while the women seem to have all been "done wrong" and are playing out some revenge fantasy.

Aggrandizing drinking, eschewing sleeves, organizing super-white synchronized dances, murder (because you're such an "outlaw" in your $300 pair of bedazzled boots), partying, disregard for generalized humanity, emphasis on selfish pursuits, and generalized inappropriate behavior have become constantly rehashed tropes. It's almost like they've discovered a formula they can use to dupe countrified folksy folk out of their money.

Reinforcing socially irresponsible behavior shouldn't be the norm. Songwriters ought to create catchy tunes that will inspire--for lack of a better term--hillbilly dipsh*ts to aspire to something better, a way of life that benefits their community and themselves. Hence, I give you my take on a Country song to make the world a better place:

Now drinking almond milk on a Saturday
Vacuuming without delay
Making sure my kids put their toys away
Representin' equal rights 'cause we're okay with gay.

We respect cleanliness
Are empathetic of others happiness
But worry about the mental healthiness
Of people who think they're blessed.

(Brief guitar breakdown complimented with moderate fiddle work followed by chorus with plenty of echo)

It's important to have class
That's why I put my beer in a glass
Ain't no one I would harass
'Cause we're about playful sass.

(End Chorus)

I put some money away
In my 401K
Down with oral 'cause I'm a generous lay
Respectin' accomplishments of Dr. Dre

In a pressed khaki with my shirt tucked in
I put all aluminum cans in the recyclin' bin
Playin' croquette for the win
But I don't gloat on account a that bein' a sin.

Respect blue collars but I bleach mine white
Don't mistake that for racial spite
Only dumb people cause a fight
The global community to me is pretty alright.

(A little slide guitar twang followed by a banjo solo, then chorus)

It's important to have class
That's why I put my beer in a glass
Ain't never called no one a piece a ass
Understandin' the relationship of velocity and maaaaaaassss...
Best make sure you're well-rounded and uh, enjoy smokin' that grass!

Actual country musicians didn't need to overcompensate.
(Major fiddle breakdown where guys in flannel playing rhythm guitar go back to back and nod vigorously over each other's shoulders regarding how awesomely they are shredding. Maybe some visuals about chubby dudes cannonballing the swimmin' hole. And I take my attache case full of cash off screen into a Crate and Barrel.)

The references to beer and weed alone should net the few remaining record companies a couple of million. But hey, if you don't want to save the music industry, go ahead and ignore the holy grail of Country songs. No, no, I'm not Garth Brooks, it's flattering you would draw that comparison, though.


  1. But where are the red solo cups?!?!

    1. Back with people in high school and college, where they belong, with people who can't bear the responsibility of handling an actual glass. (Yes, that was the god awful song that drove me to write this.)

  2. Johnny Cash and a kitten. It was all downhill after that. ~AntiSocial Patty

  3. Hilarious! Your best post EVER! And I say that as a country music fan. Not that "new country" crap though. Gimme Dwight Yoakam, Lyle Lovatt and Alan Jackson any day.

  4. Haha! I do not know much about country music but this was hilarious. Have a great week!

  5. What Deb said. This was amazing. I don't even have anything snarky or sarcastic to add. This was just brilliant. Give me a frosted beer glass or give me nothing at all.

  6. "enjoy smokin' that grass!" Yeeehaw! That did it fer me y'all. Uh Like it!
    Ya gon' name it "Blue Collar Turned Me White"

  7. I can't wait until this is recorded, and I can play it softly while driving slowly through residential neighborhoods in my fuel-efficient, eco-friendly Nissan hatchback.

  8. You said something recently about how I've done so many things. I'll add another: I used to date an outlaw.


    1. Whoa, whoa whoa, you can't leave it at that! I really want to hear what kind of an outlaw, if it's a true outlaw, or merely a scofflaw.

  9. That was excellent. Now you just need to choreograph a simple, addicting, but suitably ridiculous line dance to accompany it!

    1. I already have the dance. It's pretty much gentle Prom style swaying back and forth in a circle. This will ensure that, like all line dancing, the upper body will remain essentially inert whilst legs move in the stiffest of mannequin-style clip-clops.

  10. I have never written a country song . . . . Well done

  11. I agree, this is excellent and better than any country song I can think of.
    My favorite line, and it made me burst into laughter: "Down with oral 'cause I'm a generous lay."
    Nice work.

  12. Your talent is right up there with the dude that wrote the "Rodeo Song" Something about, Well it's 40 below and I don't give a fuck
    Got a heater in my truck and I'm off to the rodeo
    And it's allemande left and allemande right
    Come on ya fuckin' dummy get your right step right
    Get off the stage ya god damn fool,y'know (you know)
    piss me off, fuckin' jerk, get on my nerves.

    You certainly have more talent that Johnny Cash did. Then, as far as I'm concerned, anybody pretty well has more talent than he did. Of course, Willie Nelson is apparently, "On the Toad, again." But's that another story.

    Nice one and yee haa or something like that!

    Gary :)

    1. Is'n't Willie On The Toke Again?

    2. *Cough!* *Cough!* Hey Willie, go smoke that somewhere else!

  13. All music degenerates into trite cliches and pandering. Sometimes it is just more obvious than others.

  14. I am so happy you wrote this entry!!!

    Have you heard the country song "Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off" because not only is it scientifically correct, I can relate to it on a personal level. Moreover, I recently went to the Calgary Stampede - which is a gigantic giddy up festival of rodeos and all things country - and I pretended to know to line dance in the middle of the dance floor. I was doing my own version, complete with finger guns and thrusting and I kid you not, at least three people lined up behind me to try and follow my dance. They quickly realized that I was an imposter line dancer and stopped. But it was funny while it lasted.

  15. I'm already envisioning a remixed version, featuring Busta Rhymes.

  16. Sounds good, but I think I'll wait for the dubstep remix before giving it a full review.

  17. Plus, doesn't country music involve trains? And dogs? And sex with dogs? And sometimes both?

  18. That kitten is not happy - ready to show Johnny what shredding's all about! Cute, though...

  19. This comment has been removed by the author.

    1. Geez- impressive. (Delete was complete because I left out the 'p'.)

  20. You're as talented as I thought you were... You do the singing, I'll play the guitar. Don't forget your boots, cowboy. Insead of Ebony and Ivory we'd be singing (slow-tempo) "green and blue... who are you?" No?