Monday, July 14, 2014

Clean Talk

Sex is great (Hi, Mom, I know you're reading) for some. but aside from my own personal body shame, I have sensitive ears which make naked slappy time unpalatable. I am an upstanding member of my community, and I can't risk the things said in the throws of passion to permeate the thin walls of my home to dance upon the eardrums of nosy neighbors, damaging my reputation amongst the general populace. All of these vulgar terms for genitalia, the blasphemy, and the garbled onomatopoeia can be offensive when taken out of context. Which is why I would like to urge people to take the "dirty" out of "dirty talk". 

It doesn't have to ruin your flesh-mashing good times. Things can still remain sexy without the overt crudity. We just need to rewire our brain to find "clean talk" as erotic as using "naughty" words. 

Nothing is more vulgar than Donald Trump.
"I find your physical appearance gratifying to my ocular processes. It would be a distinct pleasure to have you disrobe in my presence and copulate with me. Should you be inclined, through mental or physical stimulation, do please send a torrent of blood to create pressure on the corpora cavernosa, elevating it to rigidity. Then bring that reproductive intromittent organ over to me and thrust vigorously into my vestibule."

"This copulation is very pleasurable to me. Would I be a bit drunker, I wouldst ask that you orally lubricate my distal orifice of the alimentary canal before potentially and likely unsuccessfully attempt to penetrate said orifice with a digit or your engorged flesh syringe, but please do recall that I too would enjoy mutual stimulation and, in concert with you, enjoy the act."

"Oh my unspecified deity, this gracious act is remarkably agreeable to my countenance. Oh, person whom I shall refer to as the Spanish term for a parental figure, you are providing an unparalleled journey through gratification. I would appreciate discharging my viscous gland secretion upon your luscious mammaries."
See? Clean talk can be just as erotically charged as using...Who am I kidding. The point was to show that words aren't vulgar, their usage is.  


  1. That doesn't sound like much fun at all.

    That being said, anything with a picture of Donald Trump in it becomes pretty damn unsexy.

  2. That's... actually kinda hot.

  3. I am a quiet middle class British chap. . . . it still sounds a little risky to me, would it be possible to lose all references to body parts and things moving. . . . . .

  4. Do you know how hard it is to find a politically correct prostitute with good grammar? I'm beginning to think my corpora cavernosa will never see full, plentiful rigidity.

  5. Willy Dunne Wooters is coming over this evening. You just ruined everything with that photo of Trump.


  6. Oh, unspecified deity!! That almost made me pee in my pants. I am sorry, ..urinate in my undergarments!

  7. Might I suggest ballgags as a solution?

  8. Talk so clean, it's dirty... Guaranteed or your money back!



  9. !

    I think this is my new favorite blog!

    Thank you so much!

  10. ""Oh my unspecified deity, this gracious act is remarkably agreeable to my countenance." - Have you been reading my profile?

    I love this idea, and I'm going to start talking this way immediately:

    Explicit declarations extend towards a divine creator! The manner of movement presented by one's booty is forcing me to spontaneously test the outer limits of my underwear elastic!

  11. Okay, I need a shower.
    With the lights off.
    Because I don't want to see me.

  12. What if the sex-ee speaks dirty in another language? Like German. I can't imagine anything worse. Not that I have anything against Germans, but their language isn't the sexiest. Also, hitler was kind of an ass.

  13. An excellent argument with reference to the vestibular organs and sensual orifices of the mammalian species. I laughed my way through this, especially at the word "wouldst."

  14. Perhaps this was just what I needed to help me develop my naughty bedroom talk. Miming just isn't cutting it anymore.

  15. Engorged flesh syringe eh? Well my friend, THAT is some disturbing sounding shit. Well done.

  16. I can barely comment on what you've written because I've been hypnotised by that picture of Donald Trump....

  17. You make me giggle.
    It all sounds a bit posh to me lol

  18. Body shame? We need to talk. I will make you so proud of your one-pack the cops will have a field day when I tip them off about your unstoppable urge to show off your new green speedos... Reproductive intromittent organ... There goes my appetite, you reproductive intromittent organ head, you! But a big one, of course.

    Oh my unspecified deity... I like the sound of that. Say it again.
    Now slip into those speedos and say it again.
    Do you feel strangely liberated?

  19. Clean talk! What happens between the sheets stays between the sheets! lol Sex is for FUN. It is the only time you can cast out the world, and indulge in sexual bliss.............(well mostly.........hopefully......???)

    I say abandon yourself, and transform into your ultra sex goddess. It's dark, and it's the perfect time to feel sexy. Body shame is left outside the door. Close your eyes and ENJOY! Dirty talk, is clean talk, is hot talk, it all gets a right tick of approval. Just go with the moment and with what makes you feel good. ;)

    ps: good sex has been proven to make you look younger!

    Love this post. :)

  20. I can't hear that over the Sneaker Pimps CD I have blasting, so just save your words.