Friday, July 4, 2014

Give Me Freedom or Give Me Pickles

Today in the United States of America is the celebration of Independence Day. The day where the US declared its independence and eventually achieved that independence thanks to a proxy war between England and France (Not because Washington was a master strategist, it was because England and France hated each other more than Russians hate happiness).

Yes, let's recognize the sacrifice made by (racist/sexist) visionaries, but don't ignore the idiocy of patriotism. "I LOVE MY COUNTRY." That's meaningless. You might as well be saying, "my government is better than your government." And what's the government approval rating in the US? So essentially patriotism is a willingness to blindly ignore horrific things that were done and are being done under your flag in lieu of feeling special because of a happenstance of birth. An accident of geography means you're better than someone born in a different longitude? There's no inherent greatness based on your citizenship. Go to a Walmart to see that truth.
You know how I know that patriotism is stupid? The music sucks. That simple. John Philip Sousa is annoying at best, that marching band hack. No one buys a Sousa album and blasts it in their car. It's the same reason I don't go to church anymore.

You, on the left, you couldn't find American
flag socks? And you, on the right, no American
flag hat? Must be Communists.
I dare anyone to be patriotic this coming Tuesday at 3AM when your fellow countryman lights off a leftover super loud firecracker on your street.

I'm not against the US either. A lot of good things and people and landscape and ideas are made there. I just don't like when people wrap their identity in something to the point where they can't accept criticism about that thing. 

Tribalism is a plague that needs to be eradicated.

That said, nothing would make me happier than to be a spokesperson for Patriot Pickle, the "All American Pickle." Didn't know that pickles could be flag-waving nationalists, did you? Well, Patriot Pickle, fine purveyors of pickles to the food service industry, knows that if you're going to suck down a pickle, it better be an all American pickle. "Taste the xenophobia, Patriot Pickle." Or, how about, "We put the green in the red, white and blue, Patriot Pickle." 

Come on, Patriot Pickle, this is literally the most thought anyone has put into your product since you rocked the industry by introducing Red Hot Pickles. Let's swim in the brine together. 

Some people spend their day off work going to the beach, playing frisbee golf, having picnics, partying, wrestling bears, or whatever it is normal people do to recreate, but me, I badger wholesale picklers into minor sponsorships or sending me just one bucket of Kosher pickles (c'mon, Patriot Pickle, I will never shut up about your product if you hook me up with a small bucket of pickles., hit me up.)


  1. Patriot Pickles kick ass! Fuck yeah!

  2. Us Brits dont hate the French, they are OK-ish its not their fault they speak in a strange language and like cheese and other strange foods.

    You will note I use the word British rather than English as England is the boring bit under Scotland and slightly to the side of Wales. You see France has always been upset that we get to have four countries rolled into one and they are just the one. Even the USA, a large group of small countries can't quite understand why Britain is four countries that all grumble about each other loads and are all rubbish at football, tennis and just lately cricket.

    1. I didn't mean the Brits hate the French NOW, just any time before 1950. Hence the thousand some-odd wars between the British and French.
      To your second point, correct.

  3. I can't think clearly at the moment because of the patriotic display in my lovely neighborhood of firecrackers and other go BOOM things . The boys are restless and nervous. We need some Valium, and, alas, we have none. We took it all last night when the fireworks started. I can think clearly enough, though, to say that we don't live in a free country if Hobby Lobby gets to make decisions regarding the bodies and reproductive health of their female employees. Did the hardass Pope who retired become the CEO of Hobby Lobby?

  4. I had to google the name to make sure it was a legit company. I have never heard of Patriot Pickle before. :p

  5. Happy 4th my friend. Enjoy your holiday weekend :)

  6. Hmmmm....pickles. And not just cuz they're phallic shaped. They're just so darn good chomping into them.
    Hmm, having written that, I am now disturbed.
    I must get hither to a therapist, methinks.

    1. Your response was perfectly reasoned and great. People should read your response, which exposes my flagrant misuse of "patriotism" when I really mean "jingoism"

  7. Patriotism is a willingness to blindly ignore horrific things that were done and are being done under your flag
    For once - THIS ONCE - I couldn't agree more. Patriotism is tantamount to saying, "Brainwashing complete." In my book, we should always be critical. Other than that, it's all good or they can tickle my pickle.

    P.S. But I AM better than you because I am blue and you are green. Plus I'm proud to be 3 foot 11 inches.

  8. I think you can be patriotic without being stupid. I'm certainly happy I get to live in Australia over a third world country. It's probably about not ignoring the mistakes and not yelling "We're number one!" at every interval.

  9. Oooooooh, so you think it's easy to get stuff sent to you for showing them some love?! (Of course it will not surprise me at all if it is that easy for someone

  10. At least your national anthem is relatively decent. As opposed to long live our queen... the woman who lives of the tax of the poorest in her country. x

  11. I so agree. Just last night Boyfriend and I were talking about how the founders weren't magical wonderful heroes - some things were wrong, or they are now irrelevant (the housing soldiers thing). They couldn't foresee everything (NSA). It's not the bible (which is equally short sighted, but not the point).

  12. I wonder if it is OK as a German to get all our flags out and be patriotic it feels wrong....maybe the USA can give as some national confidence and pickles?