Friday, July 11, 2014

Strain on Our Most Precious Resources

There has been an outbreak of celebrity pregnancies. It seems like a baby plague is ravaging Hollywood. If you've even been a contestant on X-Factor or walked through the background of a YouTube video, get yourself tested for a baby infection. You too, gentlemen, 'cause everybody's gettin' pregnant up in here. 
Remember the good old days when celebrities would travel the world, snatching up already produced babies like collectible shot glasses? Now celebrities are getting pregnant like commoners, yuck. They might be having coupled, non-group consensual sex, ewwwwww. The only saving grace is that those are probably unplanned babies, thank god, otherwise, I'd be afraid PBS had fully taken over Tinsel Town like some sort of puritanical insurgent (it would be the cutest insurgency if suddenly Grover and Snuffleupagus suicide bombed HBO...that is not an endorsement of such a thing, please don't, Grover).
Image source
These celebrities don't know what they're doing, though. This is reckless behavior, not just for them and their Molly-popping lifestyle, but in terms of their eco-system. All of these new celebrity babies are over-populating the entertainment industry. This boom of new celebribabies are going to be a drain on our already-strained, most precious natural resource: fame. 
That's Mr. Peanut over there, he forgot his monocle.

When there were only a handful of networks and cable outlets the celebrity population was at a healthy growth that matched the media landscape and when it became too much of a stretch on the industry, the Illuminati would send Phil Spector or Robert Wagner and Christopher Walken to free up some space for some child actor. But then, along came the internet which disrupted the balance and a vacuum arose. Desperate to fill that vacuum with their own legacies, celebrities have started to try and fill the hole with their own litters. 

Unfortunately for them, while they were waiting for their novelty-spawn to gestate in their silken wombs, the rabble are absorbing the attention meant for our anointed. By the time the sacred celebribabies are old enough to ascend to the throne, agencies and audition rooms and casting agencies will be some sort of apocalyptic hell-scape with lesser-humans dueling to see who shall ascend to occupy the fragmented envy-and-admiration places of our collective hive-minds. 
This is my new favorite statue. It's in Norway. I now have a new
dream travel destination. Fight them babies!

What kind of world is awaiting these unfortunately-named, human celebrity accessories? Is this a natural escalation from the trend of purse-dogs and in a few years we'll be faced with roving packs of overly-privileged infants whose parents lost interest after a few nanny's quit? Will we have to have game show hosts reminding us, the general populace, to have our celebrities spayed and neutered to curb the rampant celebrispawning? 

Tis a brave new world through which we wade, my fellow commoners. Maybe Julian Lennon is the only one who can help us transition this new crop of diluted talent into natural lives of obscurity, not based on attention.


  1. Yes, sounds like it's time for a cull.

  2. If nothing else, at least the economy can look forward to the boost in revenue the celebrity rehab industry will surely be providing when celebribabies are old enough to start downward spiraling. Maybe by age 10 or so.

    (PS: I love that statue too. I really, really do.)

  3. Yep, even when pregnant they still impose their sexuality on us by posing naked. Can't celebrities do a photo shoot with their clothes on? It's all about the sex. That is why they're having babies.

  4. Those Norwegians...what a whacky bunch! I guess, since Viking raids are no longer in vogue, they're free to build statues of paunchy, naked, white dudes playing hacky-sack with babies. Bravo!

  5. I can see money in group therapy for the little celebrity spawn in a couple of years. Maybe theres a good financial opportunity weaning them off drugs, drink and cosmetic surgery in my exclusive private establishment for misunderstood small folk. . . .

  6. The movie stars of Hollywood's so-called Golden Age used to try to outdo each other with the fancy birthday parties they gave for their children. My all-time favorite celebrity child is Judy Lewis. Clark Gable and Loretta Young went on location to film a movie. Loretta then went on a long vacation. When she came back, voila! she'd adopted a baby. Judy was shocked when a boyfriend told her who her father was. Everyone knew except for poor Judy. I love shocking stories based on "Guess who your parents really are" because I know Howard Hughes was my dad and I'm going to prove it and be so rich. Don't ask me for money.


  7. Your next post should be about the Hollywood baby names. That would be a good one.

  8. Outrageous too is being forced to endure photos everywhere of all these naked pregnant celebrimommies clenching their breasts with fierce enjoyment. Some even appear to be fingering their vajazzled bits. It must be stopped, Pickleope!

  9. The saddest part is having a nanny raise these children. In my opinion is all about publicity.

  10. Best statue ever, I too have a new dream travel destination. I agree with this, these celebrities are reckless and ridiculous in their baby-making. It's like they don't even care that their kid won't get it's own E! documentary because Kimye's sprog has got there first. Disgusting.

  11. I agree. What will happen when Blue Ivy grows up? THE WORLD ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HER