Wednesday, July 16, 2014

The Only Anti-Drug PSA You'll Ever Need

As part of the War on Drugs, I wanted to enlist and do my part, telling kids why they shouldn't do drugs. No, of course this has nothing to do with any sort of court ordered public service, how dare you accuse me of...Uh, I mean, why do you ask?
I know bears riding horses seems cool, and it is, but it
doesn't really have anything to do with drugs.

So put your kids in front of the computer and let me do all the work of teaching your kids about the dangers of illicit substances. 

Watch out kids! There's a drug behind you! No, really, look behind you, there's probably a drug. Is your mommy or daddy drinking coffee? They're drug addicts. Caffeine is a drug, the anti-depressants they've been popping like delicious candy ever since you were born, also a drug. The whiskey they used to rub on your gums when you were teething, also a drug. When your Uncle Roger comes over and he seems really tired and hungry and laughs at everything? He's probably also on a drug. Your teachers, they are on drugs.

And you don't want to be like those dumb adults, do you? Can you imagine? Being like your lame parents? Don't make me LOL. (See, kids, you can trust me, I'm cool. I saw The Aquabats back in the 90's. Uh oh, I lost you, didn't I?) No one wants to be like their parents because parents suck, so don't be like your parents, stay away from drugs. 
Maybe just say "yes to taco" singular, lil' guy.
The worst part? Your parents are feeding you drugs at a shocking frequency, just because they tell you that you're sick. Can you believe that!?! Trust me, I wouldn't lie to you. Since when has an internet weirdo lied to you? You know who lies to you, your parents. They lied for years, and are probably still lying about magical beings who deliver presents, money, and candy. So you know I'm telling you the truth when I say that your parents are giving you drugs. 
See? Internet weirdos always tell the truth.

When you get headaches, they probably give you drugs. When you have the sniffles, boom, drugs. Not paying attention in school? Get ready to have a funnel stuffed into your sass-mouth and drugs poured down your attention-deficited throat.

You don't have to "just say 'no,'" you have to remain ever-vigilant against the forces of adulthood! 

Okay, now give the computer back to your parents. 

Hey, parents, aren't drugs great? We can't let these kids know about all the kick-ass drugs, diminishing the supply of good drugs. Screw those dumb kids, let's keep all the drugs for ourselves, right?!? Keep kids off drugs so we can have all the good drugs for us. (Nancy Reagan would give me a rusty trombone if she read that powerful message.)


  1. Drugs sound fun! I would like to purchase one drug, please.

  2. Yesterday one of my supervisors heard me saying I was going out to get some lunch & she asked me to bring back something for her because she was in the mood for a "pick-me-up". I thought she meant a snack but she asked if I could find her some drugs. I thought she was kidding.

    It all makes sense now.

  3. I sort of want to say yes to drugs AND tacos, so the pic confuses me a little.

    Is there such a thing as a drug taco? I can order a fish taco, why not a drug taco?

    I am going to get rich off of this. I am going to go sell some tacos to kids...

  4. Boy, I'm sure glad I smoked a joint before reading this!

    I agree, the best way to keep drugs out of kids' hands is to keep it all for ourselves!

  5. Alright, alright. I'll do it for the children. I can probably get out of a few DUIs, if I use that as an excuse.

  6. I can see you are an all or nothing kind of person. . . . . I like that, I will go and drink tea now.

    As a Queen once famously said . . . . . . . Let them eat iPods.

    Ooooo thats good, I like that I may use that somewhere.

  7. Actually, the best drugs are found at the local hospital ER. I know this for a fact.

  8. I'm quite concerned about all the kids on Ritalin and whatever. How much of prescribing drugs for kids is a result of parents and teachers who want to turn children into zombies? And I don't meant the kind so many people seem to like in books. When The Hurricane was in the fifth grade, her class had their "drug unit" (no, they didn't give the kids a unit of drugs although I begged), and a teacher told the kids repeatedly that at some time in their lives someone would come up to them at a party or some other place and hand them drugs and say, Here take this.

    They were supposed to learn that they needed to say no. I told The Hurricane that during my entire life no one ever handed me drugs at a social gathering. I'm simply not that lucky. The teachers also provided the students with other misinformation about drugs. It made me very tired. I think I need some drugs so I can calm down.


  9. You know what's really funny? Cats on drugs.

  10. Maybe your brain not on drugs is a normal equestrian, but on drugs it turns into a bear and is no longer able to control its horse and might also eat the horse, causing chaos. Which sounds like a good argument either not to do drugs, or to live out your bear fantasies.

  11. There is really so much truth to this writing. The word "drugs" just seems old and unusable when it comes to the state i which our society finds itself these days.

    I always thought it was funny as a kid when they would explain what the different drugs would do and you would think, "That actually sounds pretty awesome... so your telling me I will hear colors and see sounds? Fuckin' sign me up!"

  12. Aha a good grief. I just had Penny the Jack Russell dog and modest internet superstar, read your post to me. She also told me about the horse tranquilliser that certain humans figure would be fun to snort. Neigh or nay, I say.

    Oh yeah, I'm already a starstruck follower of yours. I'm somewhere amongst your adoring fan's list.

    Time for yet another cup of British coffee, wish me luck with that. Still, British coffee at least is a good laxative.


  13. Excellent advice, good thing wine isnt a drug eh?
    (a 17 yr old after his first couple of beers is rather amusing...oh I am such a bad parent for finding entertainment in a tipsy son)

  14. Ah Professor Pickleope Von Pickleopeland is speaking again... Of course I'm paying attention. I'm allergic to invisible drugs like political and religious brainwashing to keep us dumb and quiet.